And, then, ...

I just returned from a seven-day, six night stay at UMass Memorial's mental health unit, known to the locals as 8East. I went there voluntarily because I'd run out of ideas. I met lots of good people on both sides of the stethoscope and return home with a renewed sense of hope. I also picked up a dandy of a cold. I have a number of good stories that I'll add shortly. Anyway, that's where I've been.

There's no mistaking it when the hard times come

[Note: this is a note that I started back in August, a few days before I went into the hospital. The note has been kicking around in my Drafts folder since then. It's a reminder of how bleak things were at that time.]

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We're all so eager for me to get better that there's double the disappointment when the hard days return. Not only is it difficult in and of itself when I have a bad day, but it's made worse by the fear, real or otherwise, that it's never going to get better.

Now, I know that words such as never or forever or always are little head clamps that keep me focused on a past that I wish I could change or a future that I dream of or fear. Mumble, mumble, mumble.

The more that I think about the words that I'm using to try to describe how I'm feeling and what it means, the more I'm reminded of a quote from Jimi Hendrix. "Blah-blah, woof-woof."

Staying in the present (living one day at a time, as some would say), I can say that I'm near tears most of the time.

Lest there be any doubt that I was in the right place

At our last meeting, my therapist recommended that I join a support group for people living with depression and other related conditions. The group is led by a nurse practitioner/social worker with decades of experience in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The group meets on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. My therapist thought that it would be good for me to be with people more regularly. I don't have a lot of direct personal contact, mostly because it's been very difficult for me to do so, but also because it's easy for me to drift away. I do get lonely, but the times when I need contact the most are also the times when I'm least able to make contact.

So, yesterday morning, I went to my first group session. When I got to the parking lot of the building where the session would be held, I looked around my car and discovered that I didn't have shoes. Typically, I leave my shoes in the car for those times when I might need them - stores, restaurants, and the like. The previous night, I wore my shoes into the house and left them there. In the parking lot, I pondered for several minutes before deciding that it was better to go the session without shoes than not go at all. A few people asked me, "Where are your shoes?" "At home," I replied.

Notes on language and usage:

It's common to refer to these sessions as "group." "I went to group this morning," said as though group might even be a proper noun (Group). It seems as though there is a grammar rule that lets us know when we should use the article "the," but I can't find or figure it out. For example:

• I went to school.
• I went to the store.
• I went to hospital. (British English)
• I went to heaven.
• I went to the woods.
  
• I went to camp.
  

Dept. of Similies

It's been like standing waist-deep in a rip current, requiring nearly all of my strength just to stand still.

I had an ECT on Monday, three weeks after my previous one instead of the planned four weeks. Today is better than yesterday, which was better than Tuesday. This morning, I stacked the last of the firewood from my father's house, moving it to the rack just outside our back door. A cool night is forecast, so we might need a fire in the stove by morning.

So, I've almost completed my three tasks for today. I wrote some checks for expenses regarding my father's house, took care of the aforementioned wood, and made a call to Social Security. (I'm waiting for a call-back on the last one.) Even if this is all I get done today, it's a more productive day than many that I've had lately.

Damn Interesting » The Total Perspective Vortex

Damn Interesting » The Total Perspective Vortex

Studies into clinical depression have yielded similar findings, leading to the development of an intriguing, but still controversial, concept known as depressive realism. This theory puts forward the notion that depressed individuals actually have more realistic perceptions of their own image, importance, and abilities than the average person. While it’s still generally accepted that depressed people can be negatively biased in their interpretation of events and information, depressive realism suggests that they are often merely responding rationally to realities that the average person cheerfully denies.