If at first you don't succeed, you're typical

This article, Johns Hopkins: Depression|Anxiety on switching antidepressants, is a reminder of why people with depression get confused, scared, and angry about their treatment plans. "If the first one doesn't work, try another or maybe try two at a time or maybe a third or ...." Yeesh.

I have a mental illness

There. Do I feel better for having written that? Um, not really. It's still a hat that I don't feel completely comfortable wearing. (I don't, as usual, wear a hat anyways.) Nevertheless, it's important to get this out on the table.

I looked through this blog and discovered that I'd not said that I had a mental illness. I have certainly said that I deal with depression. (I am also careful not to say that I suffer from depression. Suffering is a difficult word to use.) To say that I have a mental illness adds a class of images and innuendos that aren't easy to handle. Nevertheless, that's what it is. Depression is a mental illness in the sense that it affects the brain and the mind. It can be argued that all illnesses are physical because they are represented by some pathology in the body, in this case, the brain.

The liberation movements have shown us how people can embrace their pejorative names as a way of defusing the words' power: queer, nigger, and alcoholic come to mind. Using the description of mentally ill helps to take back control. It doesn't define the whole of me, but it's an important part.

[In the too-weird-for-words dept., while writing this, I had iTunes set to shuffle through my library. Just up is Crazy by Gnarls Barkley.]

Where do we go from here? Pretty much the same track - keep on keeping on. [Next up on iTunes? U2 - I Still Havent Found What Im Looking For.]

A picture you don't particularly need to see in a magazine in your therapist's waiting room.

Keith Richards in a Louis Vuitton ad in The New Yorker:

If you're wandering around the middle, are you going backwards or forwards?

The last couple of weeks have had more tough days than easy ones, mostly tied to erratic sleep. Some days, I need to sleep 12 or more hours; others, I wake early in the morning and get through the day with the limited rest.

Because of that, I've pulled back and set limited goals for each day. Usually, the three-things-a-day guideline works pretty well, even if I lump a bunch of small tasks into one goal. For example, I had a half dozen errands to complete in town (hardware store, gas station, library, town hall, M&L's, bank, grocery store) which I count as one task. The other two for today are to get some exercise (Marley and I went for a walk.) and to go to an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

It's difficult, however, to get a sense of progress when I have setbacks. Are they temporary interruptions or indicators that a new depressive episode is starting? For the past six or so months, the difficult times have been just temporary disruptions; I come out of them and, sometimes, even improve. Today's been better than the past four days. It's hard to plot a trend with just one day.

I'm looking forward to my appointment this afternoon. I have the test results that my neurologist had ordered. Some of the tests may have implications for treatment of depression as well as treatment of the muscle pain that I've experienced. My psychiatrist doesn't limit himself to topics related to the brain and mood alone; the whole body is in play. That's good.

Again, why I turn to the Internet for all of my answers.

His and Hers Depression Blog: Can Texting Help With Depression?.......by Susan

Texting is a great way to stay in touch with family and friends because it's so fast. You can quickly share an interesting idea or picture.

mobile phones and depression

are you addicted to texting?... Mobile phone addiction: Clinic treats children

Black dogs to help you with your black dog

Dr. Deb: Psychiatric Service Dogs

I think that this dog is helping.

Slipping gears

For several days this week, I was so tired that I could barely pry myself loose by noon. My mood was ok, given that I couldn't get much done beyond the basics - getting dressed, preparing meals, 'n stuff.

On Wednesday afternoon, I called my primary care physician to see if the elevated PTH levels that had shown up in my blood work from a couple of weeks ago might be causing this tiredness. He said that it wasn't likely, given that my calcium levels were within proper range.

What the tests didn't show was that I'd started taking some calcium supplements this past weekend. The idea was that boosting my vitamin D levels might help. There have been news reports lately that tie low vitamin D levels with depression. What may have happened, however, is that by boosting my calcium levels, I may have triggered a problem with the PTH.

So, I've stopped the calcium supplements and do feel better today. Stay tuned. We're a complex mess o' chemicals, ain't we?

Another fine learning experience

A friend once told me that I'd look forward to the hard times for what they had to teach me. Then, as now, I haven't been able to look forward in joy, but,with some work, I have been able to become grateful. This article, Your Wandering Mind on Depression: Being Thankful for depression, goes along the same lines - the things that I need to do to get through and beyond the period of depression can become good and permanent changes in my life after the depressive episode is past.

Of course, it's important to remember that, in order to make any kind of changes, you/I need a certain take-off velocity. The strength to get often has to come from outside agents - meds, therapy, ECT. Without that extra strength, you/I will generally go deeper, rather than climb higher.

With that strength comes enough hope to get the engines running.