Steps forward don't come easily.

The year has started off with enthusiasm and good energy. We had three of our granddaughters stay overnight on New Year's Eve, went to see Blue Man Group with Krista, and celebrated her and Mike's birthdays. The weather has been harsh at times, with ice and snow and sharp cold, but it's been a series of good challenges. Clearing away the snow and ice, and even the fallen branches from last month's major ice storm, has required hard physical work, leaving us tired and satisfied.
I was expecting that the good energy was going to continue as I returned to college to take a course on legal research. The plan was that the course would help me get ready to assist an attorney friend with research for patent, trademark, and copyright applications. That was the plan and, like many plans, it was overcome by events. The events in this instance came from the reality that, although I'm a lot better than I had been, I'm still susceptible to being blind-sided by symptoms of depression - sadness, weepiness, indecision and confusion, and low energy. I went to class and did well, enjoying the subject material and participating in discussions. I'd then leave class and feel the energy just drain away, as though someone had slit the side of a bag of rice. After a couple of classes and a continuation of the symptoms, I concluded that now's not yet the time to take this course and, by extension, not yet the time to be planning to return to work.
Already I feel a bit better. I'll be in touch with my doctors all the same, to see if I need a change in medications or other treatment. Marley and I had a nice walk to Worcester this afternoon, enjoying the sunshine. We have a storm forecast for tomorrow, followed by several cloudy days. It's back to the basics. I have many, many blessings in my life, so setting aside this one adventure leaves room for some of the other goodies to come in.

The fourth of the new year

The good news is that there's little to report. It appears that we've found a reliable mix of meds - Emsam and Seroquel, along with a decent sleep aid - Temazepam, and a few basic CBT principles to keep my moods steady and positive.
Sleep can still be an adventure. This morning, for example, I woke at 3. A few other nights, I've slept right through. Next Sunday evening, I'm scheduled for a sleep study that may help us identify if there's anything else going on. (Sleep apnea is a common culprit.)
I'm very grateful that we've found treatments that have improved my quality of life. For lots of folks,  not only can they not find treatments that work, but the science around treatments is still pretty messy.
In the meantime, I've started to take on projects and responsibilities that have many of the attributes of what life had been:

• I'm participating in two non-profit organizations - Joseph's Project, an organization that delivers food to families in need, and the Queen Lake Association, an organization that supports recreation and environmental quality of Queen Lake.
• In addition to my personal blogs, I'm a regular contributor at the Real Worcester web site.
• In a few weeks, I'll be starting back to school, taking one course on Legal Research and Writing at our alma mater, Mount Wachusett Community College.
• I've even been kicking the tires on a couple of open-source projects that need technical documentation help.
• I've been participating in family gatherings around the holidays, including Christmas parties and a trip to First Night with our three youngest granddaughters.  Today, we take our oldest granddaughter to Boston to see Blue Man Group, a tradition that takes place when a child turns 13.
  

It wasn't all that long ago that the activities of daily living (ADLs) were all that I could handle. And even now, a tough day or two will catch me by surprise. Usually, the tough days are triggered when I get too far out in front of myself, getting too ambitious or excited and then losing my footing. It's a solemn reminder that I'm better, but not all better.

Onward, then.